Letter to you, 26 July 2010, 00.10

Assalamualaikum wr, wb

Kanda, how are you?
Hope you're doing fine..

My goodness, we have not been talking for quite a while, have we?

There were soo... many things happened in my end. And most of them were the process and results of my stubborn-ness, my pride, my stupidity.

And for all 'bad' things that happened to me, I always tried to blame and look for everybody's faults, except my own.
And all those times, I felt anxious worry, upset, angry... and not happy.

And so my conscious alerted me that there got to be something wrong.
And only when I begin to to look into myself, I could see things clearer.
The only one who was responsible for my unhappiness is actually myself.

I was too proud of myself, of what I could do, of what I have given, of what I have...

While the truth is: I have nothing.
And I can do none.
That all the things that I thought I have are actually owned by God.
All the abilities, talents, knowledge, achievements, belonging are 'amanah' or 'responsibilities' that I need to take a very careful of.

And my, how I was blind to think that I am 'someone' or 'something'... that I feel that I 'can'. Or in Sundanese 'ngarasa bisa'.

Because once I think that 'I can' or 'enough' - then I stop improving.
And when someone stops improving, they will stuck at where ever they are, like a frog inside a coconut shell. Feels that he / she is at the top, but it really is not.

May God grants us a continuous self-awareness to realize that we are only His humble creatures, could do nothing without His help.

And may He always lighten up our ways.

Good night, Kanda...
Sleep and rest well...